I heard my father calling me an embarrassment

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Ask WayD is a free online advice column to help you deal with life’s problems. You will be taken seriously, not ignored or scolded or misunderstood.

The advice offered in the Ask WayD free online advice column is for informational purposes only. Use of this column is not intended to replace or substitute any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist or contact SADAG. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. This column, its author, nor any body associated with them are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your own actions.

Dear WayD

I heard my father calling me an embarrassment and comparing me to my older brother. I wanted to be perfect for him, but that situation just made things worse. I was never enough. I lost most of my friends, whether it be due to poor communication skills on my part, or that I was just too annoying and overbearing. I don’t know how to behave around people so I go through days where I just stop trying, until I start to be myself again… but I get shut down so quickly, so the cycle continues.

My mother is the only one who would stand by my side, but, at the same time, she also doesn’t let me have a say.

I recently moved halfway across the country. I feel like a stranger. My friend acts like she can’t stand me most days and it used to just be a joke, but it just feels more serious. She never seems happy unless I’m leaving her alone. I don’t know how to talk to her dad without feeling uncomfortable due to my own issues with my dad. I feel so alone. I have no family here, barely a friend. The animals in my house don’t make me feel special and I just know if I wasn’t here nothing would be different, it’d just be a little less stressful for them.

I don’t want to go back home because I don’t want my dad to “win” and get me back, since he never liked the idea of me moving. I have nowhere to go, but I can’t wait any longer to get help. I can’t even afford therapy. I’ve tried it before and I never get past the first session because I can’t put into words how I’m feeling. I always make it sound less than it is, because I don’t like people worrying about me.

My birthday is in a couple days and I know nobody but my mother is going to say anything unless reminded. It just hurts. I just feel alone. When I wake up in the morning, I’ll go back to normal but right now, it’s just a little scary. I’m sorry for such a long vent; it’s not even everything I have to say but my fingers are starting to hurt. – Nobody Listens

Dear Nobody Listens

The reasons for your loneliness and disillusionment are clear – family ties are an important humanistic feature in our lives, and yours seems to be falling apart. A sense of belonging is key to our life satisfaction, happiness, mental and physical health and even longevity. It gives us a sense of purpose and meaning. Research has shown that loss of belonging has been associated with stress, illness, decreased wellbeing and depression. So, it’s no wonder you’re feeling so lost.

In order to make any change in your current situation, you will need to ask yourself some difficult questions: What do you truly want? Are you committed to that? Are you prepared to make a change in your mental self in order to achieve this goal? You see, if we want things to be a different way, we have to take that first step and create a difference, even a small one. You need to WANT to change.

Your situation is a complicated one, but I’ll help you hash out some practical details. First of all, set yourself an end goal. I’m thinking something along the lines of ‘Happy Family‘, but it’s totally up to you. This will be the final step in your journey, the carrot you keep your eye on; your motivational factor. What is it that you truly want?

Next, make a list of all the practical, logical and logistical steps it would take to get you there. For starters, in order to feel closer to your family, you’ll need to plan a visit to your city, or start the process of moving back to your city, or pluck up the courage to make an important phone call – whichever works for you. Write down that goal. Then make a list of the people you know who could help you with that goal. Each morning, ask yourself: What do I need to do today to get the ball rolling? If finances are the issue, you could find a side hustle to bridge the gap. If it’s your own mental space that is blocking your progress, you would need to work on that first (I’ve listed some points below.) Have a goal. Write it down. Stick it on your mirror, or on the fridge! Focus on it.

You see, if you want to see a change in the world around you, you’ll need to start by making a tiny change in yourself first. For this, I’m going to set you some homework. The key is consistency.

1. Start a gratitude journal and write three points each day. Focusing on positives is the number one way to train your brain to think positively. This post may help you.
2. Start an exercise routine. A simple one. A daily 30-minute brisk walk costs nothing but does wonders for your soul.
3. Practise self-care. Depending on how much you are doing at the moment, go one step further. If you need to take a shower, take a good long one. Brush your teeth, comb your hair, make your bed… These tiny, silly, mundane tasks will set the tone of your day. It will give you a feeling of accomplishment which will slowly fill your empty cup and strengthen your spirit for the tasks that lie ahead.
4. Take one day a a time, but keep your eye on your goal. Confirm your values – the things that are important to you, the non-negotiables. Remember, if you tolerate everything, you stand for nothing. Find out who YOU are and remind yourself of it often. Put yourself first. Learn how to prioritise YOU.

Once you have developed your resilience and determination, take the steps necessary to mend ties with your family, one relative at a time.

I wish you a happy birthday and I hope you gift yourself a renewed spirit and a positive outlook.

Remember who you are and whose you are…

Stay healthy, inside and out

WayD

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Ask WayD is a free online advice column to help you deal with life’s problems. You will be taken seriously, not ignored or scolded or misunderstood.

For crisis situations, please contact SADAG here.

Stay well, inside and out

Waheeda, a.k.a Waydi

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