I work with a toxic colleague
The advice offered in the Ask WayD free online advice column is for informational purposes only. Use of this column is not intended to replace or substitute any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist or contact SADAG. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. This column, its author, nor any body associated with them are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your own actions.
Dear Waydi
I work with a toxic colleague who, among other things, keeps harping on about the amount of good work she and her family do. Although we work together, we are from different departments. She seems to like me a lot, but I find her to be a complete narcissist.
I am usually a positive person but this colleague drains me. She’s not very well health-wise, so I don’t want to say anything harsh, but her toxicity needs to stop. Just today, she was questioning my capabilities with the manager.
I have spoken to my senior about it, but I have not yet found a way to deal with this colleague. She just pushes my buttons, and I know that no one else can stand her. To top it off, she calls me by a nickname that I hate! What can I do? – Tired, but determined
Dear Tired, but determined
Toxic colleagues are known to drain you of your mental strength and yours seems to be on a rampage against all the good there is in this world. Working in an environment like this can be exhausting. You may eventually have to confront this colleague, but, before that, you’ll need to focus on your own growth and development first. The aim is to build yourself up first.
- Make a note of specific instances where said colleague has over-stepped or displayed narcissism or toxicity. These notes may help you in two ways – (1) journaling is good practice for channeling your thoughts and for introspection and (2) should this go side-ways, you’ll have some ‘evidence’ to use in the inquisition
- Try not to complain to other colleagues. You might be tempted to turn to the next person and roll eyes, or say “Can you believe she just did that?” However, seeking approval from others in this way is a poor habit and aids nothing. You also, most certainly, do not want to put anything like that in writing, for example in an email.
- Push RESET on your power handle. Power comes from within. Saying that your co-worker ‘makes you feel’ a certain way implies that you have put the power of your feelings in her hands. Reclaim that power.
- In the same way, reclaim your sense of control. Understand that you cannot control others and they cannot control you, so it is no use wasting any energy trying to change people. Instead, use that same energy to deal with the issue in a more positive way. Decide whether it would be more worthwhile to use that energy to confront your colleague, or to just sit tight and wait it out.
- Find a healthy way to deal with your anxiety or stress. It’s counterproductive to pick up bad eating or health habits because of this. Stay in touch with your spirituality and don’t let this situation overtake you. Your aim is to stay sane and thrive.
- Together with #5, now would be a good time to harness a calming hobby, be it camping (something you can look forward to) or knitting (something to occupy your mind and hands) or hiking (something to get your moving)…
- (Optional) Letting your HR department know about your feelings ensures that the complaint is on record. In the event other co-workers lay similar complaints, they’ll see it necessary to take action.
Should you decide to go ahead with the confrontation, keep the following tips in mind:
- make sure your have a support structure (family or friends) to build you up prior to the confrontation and to go back to once you’re done
- Use your notes to create a logical argument. You may want to pick your battles and focus on one or two of the most important issues
- Remember that you cannot change their personality, but you can call out certain behaviours that didn’t sit right with you
- Your aim is to set boundaries, not overstep your rank or take advantage of your position
- Don’t remain passive. Be direct, in a firm but kind way
You could say something like:
“I understand that you have spoken to X about my capabilities, and you were concerned that I don’t know what I’m doing”
“I’ve noticed you’ve got into a habit of calling me X and I wanted to talk about that.”
“I was telling you about X, but you walked away. I’m going to finish that conversation now.”
(Read this article for more examples and a handy guide for dealing with all sorts of toxic colleagues.)
Now, if you decide not to go ahead with the confrontation, then I advise you to:
- Rise above it
- Don’t take it to heart
- Use your support system
- Remember, your co-workers can’t stand her either, so you are not alone.
Remember who you are, and whose you are.
Stay healthy, inside and out
WayD
Ask WayD is a free online advice column to help you deal with life’s problems. You will be taken seriously, not ignored or scolded or misunderstood.
For crisis situations, please contact SADAG here.
Stay well, inside and out
Waheeda, a.k.a Waydi
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